Session Twelve
by PyramidCalyx
Summary: One-shot, post-Surrender Benson. My thoughts on why Olivia brought Elliot up when she was taken by Lewis.


A/N This has been tumbling about in my head since the season 15 opener. Might be a bit jumbled and long, but I hope people enjoy. Thoughts, suggestions, all welcome.

**Session Twelve**

One day a week. Every single week. Sitting across a therapist for sixty minutes. Since the beginning of the summer. It was now into August, and Olivia Benson wasn't sure if therapy was bringing her a sense of psychological healing, or, psychological dependence. She had opened up about the majority of the physical and emotional trauma she endured at the hands of William Lewis. She had spoken openly about the arduous task of reclaiming her life afterward. Her therapist pushed her out of her comfort zone; that cocoon she once had of carefully constructed barriers blocking her true emotions from outsiders had been shredded to pieces. She had been forced to reconcile the loose ends in her life, the unasked questions, the unspeakable answers.

Maybe SVU wasn't the best place for her anymore, he had hinted in one session. Her whole sense of self was in disarray. Rethinking her home, her relationship, why not her profession? But, she couldn't let Lewis take SVU. He had broken many aspects of her psyche, but he could not make her shy away from taking scum like him off the streets. Besides, the squad was her family, an eccentric collage of personalities and passions. The 16th precinct was her home away from, well, the home she used to know.

"How is your relationship with Brian going?"

"It's, um, it's actually going well," she answers, curling up into the plush armchair in Dr Lindstrom's office.

She knew he was expecting more. To her, it still felt strange to talk about her personal relationships. She can't remember the last time she told _anyone_ any details of who she was dating. Probably because most of the time her beaus were there one day and gone two weeks later. She couldn't help but feel a surge of pride in herself for having kept a serious boyfriend these many months.

"And your living arrangement?"

"Still his apartment. I managed to salvage a little from mine," she replies, her heart beginning to beat faster when she thought of her former residence, its memory blackened by the first 24 hours of Lewis' torture. She shook her head, releasing the cloud of darkness in her mind, focusing on the present instead. "I actually haven't lived with anyone since the Academy. It's an adjustment, for both of us, but I think we make it work."

Dr Lindstrom smiles. "That's really good, Olivia," he says. "It's important for you to have his support during your recovery."

Olivia smiles. Brian hadn't wavered in his support once. He didn't demand she tell him what happened, nor treat her like a porcelain doll ready to break at any moment. She had slowly shared parts of her harrowing four days with Lewis. He listened, he held her, he remained calm despite the torrent of emotions that flew across his face and in his eyes. He helped her pack what little was left in her apartment that she wanted to keep. He even took her shopping for clothing and anything else he thought she might want in order to give his apartment a more feminine touch. Olivia hadn't felt like being out in public, passing through throngs of faceless strangers along the street and in the shops, but Brian had been determined to make his tiny one bedroom apartment _their_ home.

When it came time to return to work, Brian supported her. "_How did they even last eight weeks without you? Must've been bedlam with only Blondie handling all the testosterone in the room_," he had grinned at her when she told him of her planned return. She had rolled her eyes, "_I'm sure it wasn't that bad_." But she appreciated Brian's words and his faith in her. She knew that just surviving Lewis was one huge accomplishment, but the up-hill path to recovery was hindered not only by the physical and emotional damage the Beast had caused, but also the hurdle of being overly conscious of what everyone else thinks about her. As soon as she walked into the 1-6, there was a tension and uncertainty in the squad room that was so strong she felt the urge to turn around and run away. The eyes of her colleagues watching her, full of pity and silently questioning, "_How are you able to come back to SVU after what you went through? How can you face this every day? Are you sure you can handle this job?_" She faced them all without flinching, mustering up all the pride and strength she had in reserve to make herself appear as normal as possible. But she missed her mark occasionally. Her Captain wanted her to take more time, feeling that she wasn't ready to handle the emotional rollercoaster of being an SVU detective. Her partner eyed her every move, worry etched on his features. Rollins was sent into an awkward panic during an interrogation where Olivia, in hindsight, admits she pressed a suspect too hard. No, she pressed a _victim_; a mistake the former Olivia Benson wouldn't have made.

"I guess I've never had support like this before," she says, mindlessly twisting a strand of hair between her fingers. "In case you haven't noticed, I have trust issues."

Dr Lindstrom chuckles. "Yes, but you are doing a very good job facing them. Sometimes, deconstructing such issues into smaller pieces can help you gain an understanding of why you are held back by them."

Olivia furrows her brow, contemplating his words. There was one loss of trust she hadn't fully divulged to her therapist yet. The one that Lewis used to rattle her. The one she let slip.

Biting her lower lip, Olivia sighs, eyes darting to the window. "He knew how to get under my skin. He challenged me at every point. He used pieces of information I had given as an arsenal. It was as if he knew everything about me."

"_You're not lying to me, are you?"_ Lewis had sneered, not buying her boyfriend threat. He had her pinned as the workaholic, no family, no children, no anybody. Alone, trying to impress upon everyone that she was a strong, independent woman who didn't need anybody else. _And, he was right_, she thinks. She had always relied upon herself, especially after Elliot disappeared from her life. An anxious flutter tickles her chest. This was the subject she had avoided for eleven weeks.

"I, I mentioned somebody who used to be very important," she starts, pulling at a thread on her capris. Her jaw tenses as she sits paused, not wanting to continue but knowing it would help to finally get this off her chest.

"Somebody you were in a relationship with?"

"No, well, not a romantic one. He was my former partner. We worked together for twelve years, and after a particularly difficult case two years ago, he turned in his papers. I haven't heard from him since." Olivia looks out the window, the anxiety still rising. Dr Lindstrom leans back in his chair, taking in her words and body language.

"So, he was somebody you cared for, deeply."

She closes her eyes. "Yes."

He nods. "Was the relationship strictly professional?"

Olivia clears her throat. "Professional and, I guess, personal. We were friends, I knew his family, his children," she answers. "I was very lost when he left. Twelve years sitting across from someone day in day out, you get used to their presence."

The sun suddenly peeked through the curtain, spreading like a slow wave into the room. "He never answered my calls after he left. Never let me know how he was doing. Nothing," she whispers.

"It can be very difficult to lose someone who you felt a close bond with."

"People used to gossip about us, that we were more than just partners. Word circulated that I was so crushed by his retirement because it was the end of our torrid love affair," she snorts.

"And had you ever crossed that line?"

Her eyes were ablaze as she looks at her psychiatrist. "Never. He had a family."

Dr Lindstrom cocks his head to one side. "A lot of family men have extramarital affairs."

"Not Elliot," she states firmly. In her mind, though, she thought of the times he spent in the cribs at the precinct after arguing with his wife. Their separation and near-divorce. The way she would look up, knowing he had been watching her, only to find him quickly lowering his eyes, hiding any emotions that were in them. Had there been something there she never admitted to seeing?

Recognizing his patient had become lost in her thoughts, Dr Lindstrom moves on. "So, how does Elliot relate to Lewis? Had they crossed paths before?"

Olivia shakes her head, scattering the memories and what ifs. "No, but I brought him up. After I overpowered him, I started, I don't know, rambling while he was unconscious," she uncurls her legs, resting her trembling hands on her knees. "Well, I thought he was unconscious. He heard every word. He had already tried getting into my head by telling me all of his victims cry out the name of somebody they wish would rescue them, somebody they would give anything to see again. But, that didn't work. I guess he managed to find another way to break me when I began bragging about how my ex-partner would know what to do to his sorry ass."

Dr Lindstrom nods, remaining silent as he watches Olivia battle an inner struggle. Her emotions flicker across her face; hurt, embarrassment, sorrow. She continues to fidget before sighing deeply.

"I don't know why I brought him up. I just knew that if he was there with me, he would have given Lewis what the bastard deserved. He would have known exactly what to do, and, he…" her eyes suddenly water and she stops to blink the tears away. "He wouldn't have let Lewis live after hurting me."

"He would have killed him?"

"Yes. And just me going on about Elliot made Lewis discover his way into my head, and it didn't take him very long. I didn't want him talking as if he knew my relationship with Elliot. But, he kept tormenting me, telling me that everyone else knew what to do in my position except for me. As though I was incapable of making my own decisions without Elliot holding my hand."

"And do you believe that?"

"No!" she exclaims, furrowing her brow. The swirl of anxiety in her chest is now tinged with anger. "I don't know why I said anything about Elliot. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do, now that Lewis was cuffed to the bed and no longer a direct threat."

'But he still was a threat."

Olivia purses her lips. "I suppose he was." She is brought back to the beach house, that room where she tried to beat a man to death. Her anger and stubborn will to prove Lewis wrong had overtaken her with such ferocity that it was as though a completely different person stood attacking him with a metal bar.

"I think I wanted somebody else to do my dirty work," she admits quietly. "I snapped and beat him. I would never have done that to anyone, but he wouldn't stop talking about how I couldn't decide what I wanted, how I was a good girl, how I'd never do anything I wasn't supposed to do. Baiting me, telling me I wouldn't have the guts to kill him. And maybe I wanted Elliot there to hurt him for me, which simply would have proven Lewis right all along."

"Did you think of him as your protector?"

"I," she starts, but pauses, unsure of how to honestly respond. Was Elliot her protector? Was he the shiny knight who would fend off all who wanted to bring her harm? They had been there for one another for twelve years. She trusted him implicitly. They had saved each other's life. They had had such a close bond. Had he been her crutch all those years?

"Maybe I idealized him as someone who would fight for me whenever I was vulnerable," she muses, idly pulling at another loose thread. "Maybe I just wanted somebody to be there, to care and… I don't know."

"But you did have people caring about you, and worrying about you," Dr Lindstrom points out. "Your squad worked tirelessly to find you. Your boyfriend…"

Olivia frowns, her mind wandering as he spoke. This subject was the additional thorn. Why hadn't she wanted Brian to be her savior? Had she omitted mentioning him to prevent Lewis from prying further into her personal life? Or did she feel guilty for wanting Elliot there instead, not just to defend her but also to provide comfort and take her away from that awful place? Why was she seeking physical contact with the man who vanished from her life without so little as a goodbye when she had somebody currently in her life who would move heaven and earth for her?

She loves Brian, she is sure of it. Their reunion after thirteen years had given her a chance to prove to him that she had changed, that she wasn't a heartless bitch like back then. Sure, she harbored guilt for breaking his heart so long ago, but their relationship wasn't about her feeling sorry for him or trying to make herself feel less guilty. He certainly wasn't the wet-behind-the-ears detective she once knew; and it was his rugged exterior and evolution into a more hardened, yet still passionate, man that piqued her interest. Meeting again, seeing him and how he had changed, had given her reason to pause. _Maybe I should have given him more of a chance,_ she remembers thinking. They shared another night of very fulfilling sex, followed by an official first date once the dust had settled after the prostitution scandal. He was sweet and made her feel comfortable. He made her think there was actually life beyond the walls of the 16th precinct, and that maybe allowing herself the pleasure of having a man in her life wasn't a weakness. She didn't have to put up walls to shield herself from him. He was easily still as enamored with her now as he had been when they first worked together at SVU. His sincere affection wasn't lost on her this time; the attraction was brewing and escalated into something much more meaningful as they got reacquainted with one another, and took the time to open up to each other.

"Olivia?" Dr Lindstrom questions.

She looks up, not realizing the length of time she spent lost in her thoughts. "I loved him."

Dr Lindstrom nods knowingly. Could he see through her as well?

"I mean, as a friend, a partner. He was always so protective, sometime too much so. I hated it most of the time," she chuckles. "He could be a real ass. But, his heart was always in the right spot. Maybe sometimes I wondered what it would have been like had we crossed the line in our relationship. But, I don't think I would go running into his arms if he showed up, single, confessing his love for me. I'm not pining for the man that got away. I love Brian, and I should have wanted him there, and I'm sure he would have been capable, but I just wanted to fall back on what I was used to. _Who_ I was used to. Who I thought was indestructible."

"You went through a horrific experience. It only makes sense that you would seek comfort from thinking of somebody you thought of as a strong defender, and who played such an important role in your life for so many years," Dr Lindstrom clasps his hands in his lap, carefully observing her. "Do you feel guilty for automatically selecting your former partner over the man you are in a relationship with now?"

Olivia nods. "Yes. I do."

"After you were discovered on Long Island, and taken to hospital, did you still want Elliot there with you?"

Her voice is almost too soft to hear. "Yes."

The doctor nods. "So it was more than just envisioning Elliot as someone who would take care of your captor. You wanted him present with you as you returned to safety, and perhaps present during your recovery."

Olivia's eye well with tears, but not all are created by sadness. Anger flares once again, and despite the salty trail winding down her cheeks, her voice has an edge. "I wanted him to feel guilty for abandoning me. I wanted him to show up at that beach house, destroy Lewis, try to act as if we had never been apart, and then be met with the harsh reality that he had hurt me so deeply. I wanted him to be crushed by guilt, thinking that if we had still been partners then he would have prevented Lewis from getting near me in the first place, and that this was all his fault."

She abruptly stands and walks to the window, arms wrapped tightly around herself. "I wanted to know that he still cared about me. I wanted answers, and thought, stupidly, that maybe he would hear the news about a missing SVU detective and somehow come to my rescue."

"And then be bombarded by your rage."

Olivia's shoulders drop in a deep sigh. "I'm a terrible person for trying to blame him for my attack."

"No, you just haven't dealt with the hurt from losing someone you were so close to, and who you truly cared about. Someone you depended on more than you'd like to admit."

She smiles sadly, moving back to the armchair. "Perhaps. I know none of this is Elliot's fault," she concedes. "Or my own."

Dr Lindstrom leans forward, his clasped hands in front of him. "I think you are making excellent progress, Olivia," he says emphatically. "You are recognizing and confronting your emotions. You are honestly examining wounds that were reopened. Ones you may not have otherwise admitted and come to terms with."

Olivia takes a deep breath, trying to relax. _He's right_, she thinks, _I've never spoken to anybody about Elliot_. "So, where do I go from here?"

Dr Lindstrom smiles, "That is for you to decide. You've bottled up a lot of pain for some time, and I think we are just beginning to dig a little deeper."

Olivia nods. "That's probably true," she smirks.

"I think you have given yourself more to think about as well. It's good that you are opening up," Dr Lindstrom tells her. "I think we covered some important ground today."

Olivia stands as their session comes to a close. Dr Lindstrom walks her to the door of his office. "Next week, same time?" she says, slinging her purse over one shoulder.

Dr Lindstrom smiles. "See you next week."

Olivia walks out, feeling a little bit lighter than before. She knew he was right; she did have more to think about. The journey of her recovery hadn't ended, not by a long shot. However, she felt a slight lift in her spirit after finally saying Elliot's name aloud in over two years. She had felt tied down by his memory, even as she moved forward at work with her new colleagues. She knew he would be surprised by her relationship with Brian, and no doubt make every effort to convince her that he wasn't a good choice. He always had a knack for causing her relationships to crumble. Perhaps she had always put too much stock into what he said and thought.

Walking out into the afternoon sun, Olivia hears her cell phone chime.

"Hey, Liv," Brian's voice comes over the speaker when she answers.

She smiles. "Hey, Bri. I'm on my way. I can't wait to see this place."

His soft chuckle reverberates through the phone. "Me either. The realtor wants us to meet her in the lobby."

"Ok, I'll meet you there."

"Sounds good. Love you, babe."

"Love you, too, Bri."


End file.
